James came to me because his marriage was becoming a constant source of anxiety and frustration.
Diane constantly complained and badgered him about everything.
He couldn't seem to do anything right.
And not surprisingly, they were having serious problems in the sex-and-romance department.
James was practically shaking with frustrated disappointment as he told me how when they first met 5 years earlier at “Burning Man” it was all romance, sex, and fun
He also told me that when they did have sex she seemed to like it, and yet she NEVER initiated…
And with her constant complaining and blaming all of the time, he was frankly not that interested in initiating sex with her either…
And so at this point they were basically not having sex at all
By the time James came to me, he had one foot out the door, and he was only holding on for the sake of their 4-year old daughter
To make matters worse, Diane refused to participate in our sessions…
I know that hurt him and put an even deeper wedge in their relationship, but I also knew that he could fix this thing for the both of them…
If he were willing and had the courage to see it through...
In our single session together I helped James see that he and Diane were locked in a cycle that went something like this:
Her complaining ==> him trying to fix it and please her ==> which caused her to “test” him ==> more trying to please her ==> more complaining and more testing…
One of the nearly impossible things for couples to handle in these situations is that you can never figure out “who started it”...
You can never figure out who to blame for getting into a negative cycle…
Actually, it’s a bit worse than that— you can easily blame your partner every time, and since Diane was the one doing the testing and complaining, he was pretty clear that it was all HER FAULT...
The fact that she refused to show up made it clear to me that she felt the opposite… that it was completely HIS fault...
This is the kind of thing that drives men into a lifetime of anger with women… And that’s a shame because if you have the balls to let go of your “justified anger” it’s not only easy to fix...
It’s also fun and fulfilling… and the way to do it gives most men a brain melt-down when they try it, because it seems impossible for this to work...
Because it doesn’t involve either sucking up to her and giving in to her demands, OR standing your ground and showing her why she’s wrong
I gave James 3 simple practices to try out...
He was very doubtful, but he agreed to try it for a few weeks. And he was shocked to discover that within a week the testing completely stopped...
In fact, his marriage did a 180 degree turnaround.
Diane no longer spends her time bitching and moaning about James. Instead, she’s constantly telling him how much she appreciates him — and loves him.
And...even better...she’s showing her appreciation.
James called to tell me their sex life is now “amazing”... and that Diane will often surprise him with blowjobs just to show him how grateful she is for everything he does for her.
Impossible?
I can’t blame you for feeling like it sounds too good to be true, and honestly I have to give all of the credit to James…
Because even though these practices are “simple”, they are sometimes very scary for men to try them out, and James threw himself into it like a champ for the sake of love...
It was the simplest one that James credits for being the most powerful and the most surprising thing that turned things around…
I call it The Appreciation Ladder and here’s how brain-dead simple it is:
All you have to do is take 2 minutes a day, first thing in the morning before your brain has a chance to get pre-occupied with other things, and write down 3 to 5 things you appreciate about your woman.
It doesn’t matter what you write down. All that matters it that they are 100% true.
That part is critical, and for some men stuck in sour relationships for years, it can be hard to come up with something...
Maybe it’s how she smiles at your kids in the morning… or the way she curls her legs under her while watching TV… or how great her ass looks in her yoga pants...
It doesn’t matter if you write down the same things day after day. In fact, it doesn’t even matter if she never sees or hears anything about your “appreciation journal”...
Remember, women are much more emotionally sensitive than we are. So she actually feels this invisible wave of authentic appreciation—even if you never say a word.
But this practice isn’t even designed to work on her… it works on YOU.
Here’s a simple truth about humans:
I knew that if Diane was the only one complaining and James wasn’t… then of course he must have been FEELING a deep, but unspoken resentment…
Can you guess how sexy “hidden resentment” is to women?
She was feeling the disconnect between him trying to fix things on the surface... and the very different truth of his feelings (that he wanted throw her out a window!)
And that disconnect, that inauthenticity, was what was causing her “testing” behaviors…
The Appreciation Ladder made her feel like James was congruent and authentic with being her husband… even when he was angry, even when he was trying to “fix her”... and calmed her animal brain so that she could feel her libido again…
When your woman picks up on these feelings of appreciation, dopamine floods her brain... her lust-boosting hormones go through the roof... and her Playmate Switch is free to flip into the “on” position.
But that’s not all. You see, The Appreciation Ladder also makes your woman’s brain pump out another feel-good hormone called oxytocin
You may have heard about oxytocin before. It’s also known as the “cuddle hormone”.
Oxytocin is released in huge amounts when a woman falls deeply in love. And it triggers powerful feelings of emotional intimacy.
So not only does The Appreciation Ladder trigger intense sexual desire. It also creates a deeper, more loving relationship.
And that can lead to spontaneous, intense, passionate lovemaking sessions — the kind that leave you both grinning from ear to ear all day long!
Naturally it’s twice as powerful if you and your partner try doing this at the same time— you can decide for yourselves if you want to show the journals to each other nor not— it works either way.
And even though I know it sounds too magical to be real, I do hope you’ll TRY IT to see for yourself
