How To Get Intimacy In Relationship: What Men Want & What Men Need
Do you want a relationship that really WORKS?
Do you want passion, fun, open and easy communication, the adoration of a good man who treats you like a woman?
Then my advice is simple: Be the woman who unlocks his sexual freedom and makes him feel good about being a man.
In this “zoom out” view I offer you a bigger perspective on sex and intimacy and the way it is to be a man, and to be a human in relationship…
If you want to pick up a copy of Revolutionary Sex For Her (and obviously I’m recommending that you DO), don’t put it off. The new year is coming and it’s time for more fun and deeper intimacy… You can click here to Get Yours NOW ===>
As always, I’d love to hear your comments, your questions, your confusions, your praise, and your pique.
A Lonely Friend
Alex, you are so spot on. Enjoy your comments. My high school sweetheart passed in 2011 and because of sickness there was no intimacy for 16 years. Never strayed. Need to get my groove back. Any advice would be welcomed. Thank you.
Alex Allman
Hey Lonely, my advice is that you honor the life of your high school sweetheart by living with a heart open to love.
In other words, rather than thinking that it’s time to “get over” or “replace,” offer up your new romantic relationships, dating experiments, sexual explorations, and ultimately, falling in love, as a gift to honor the memory of your passed lover.
Keep that in your heart and pass the karma and the lessons of having loved well in the past as a gift to someone who has not had the experience of being so successfully loved.
Raymond
Hi Alex. Excellent video. Lets hope the girls listen for a change. As it stands now the girls are only interested in the financial aspect and whether they can run the show or not. They don’t try to help the man they compete with him so the man has to continually choose between her and his job, friends, enjoyments in life, even what he eats. There’s this hidden agenda they have that they don’t even know they have.
I’m a doctor (Natural Healing) so money has never been a problem. I’ve had the homes in the country, cottage at the lake, fancy cars, etc. I’m in excellent physical shape, smart, witty, and genuinely care for my fellowman. I’m also a Veteran who is willing to stand up for what he believes. But none of that mattered. (Oh, BTW, I also know how to stack their orgasms and have never had any trouble attracting the females).
So, what is it with the females? After four failed marriages I quit. I know many man in the 50’s that have done the same thing. All of us busted our asses trying to make the relationship work. To no avail. They took the money and ran.
So good luck trying to get through to the women. To women men are something to “have”, like a sweater or pair of shoes. Changing men is no more a problem for them than changing their hair color. I honestly think they don’t have the innate capacity to love. And I know at least a dozen men who think the same thing. Successful men, smart men, good men…Doesn’t matter.
All one has to do to get rid of a girl is genuinly love her. The relationship will start to deteriorate immediately. Within a year or two she’ll be gone.
Now? Yeah, all I want is a piece of ass every now and then. Why? Because its too expensive mentally and emotionally to get involved beyond that.
I wasn’t this way originally. “They” turned me into this and I don’t really enjoy it that much…
Good luck!
A Lonely Friend
Raymond, I am truly sorry you feel this way, and that the experiences you had were not great. Just speaking for myself, not all women, I married my high school sweetheart. We went together for a year, broke up, and did it 2 more times. Then we stayed together and were married 36 years. We were truly both each other’s soul mates. Give and take on both parts. He became very sick and I stuck with him. As I stated before there was a lack of intimacy for 16 years. Many of my women friends said I should go seek fun elsewhere, but I never strayed. He passed in 2011. You are right that many women are out just for them, and don’t care about their partner. And that is too bad. Women don’t realize that guys have feelings as well. I really do agree with you, and just wanted to share my story. Some relationships do work. Now, I find myself alone, lost, and trying to get my groove back after so long. Hard to do. Thank you.
Molly
Raymond,
Makes me sad to read what you have experienced and how you feel. I hope you don’t give up on finding a wonderful, long lasting relationship. I would bet you were dating women that hadn’t quite matured yet no matter what their age. There are a few of us out here that would love to meet a man that isn’t in it just for the sex. We do exist. But we’ve been burned a few times ourselves and are at a loss of where to find the good ones these days. My goal is to find a great one and be his last girlfriend for however long we live. Good luck! 🙂
P.S. Alex, start that online dating site for those that follow you. It would be amazing in SO many ways and most likely pretty darn profitable!
Alex Allman
Thank Molly… I guess I have to con$ider it! 🙂
Shannon
Hi, Raymond,
I’m sorry you’ve had such experiences like that with those women. We are not all like that. I’m in my early ’60’s and also had the good material life with an ex-husband. That is not on my priority list now. I enjoy material comforts and pleasures, but that is certainly not what I am looking for now. I am interested in a relationship which nurtures us both by being together, and is an adventure as spiritual partners.
BTW, I’ve been a student of tantra, and now karezza, and am looking for a man who also want to give up the “hot” sex and orgasms, in favor of the pair-bonding chemical oxytocin, and which is focused on energetic exchanges, which may lead to the deepest male-female connection and ultimately bliss and sometimes mystical experiences.
People do not know yet the benefits of exchanging orgasm for other things such as curing ED, sexual and porn addictions, higher levels of energy, clearer mental functioning, enhanced emotional well-being, extending to all parts of life.
Yes, I am happy to have a satisfying relationship over money, status, and “hot” orgasmic sex.
Maldek
The idea to give up “hot sex and orgasms” came around the same time as post-menopause?
The teachings of say Mantak Chia do not require one to give up any one thing, rather expand and improve your skills.
Alex Allman
Hm… It sounds like maybe we need to have a death match between Mantak Chia and Karezza!
In all seriousness though, everyone finds their own path and their own teacher and the lifestyle that works for them. There is truly no conflict between these teachings unless you insist that the way you enjoy sex is the way everyone else must enjoy it to.
…and I’m pretty sure that’s not what either of you are saying 🙂
And both schools of thought/practice are well worth mentioning.
Alex Allman
Aw Ray, you post this story over and over again on my site as if by repeating it you can hold onto it.
In Buddhist teachings it is observed and understood that we cling to our suffering view of our life because it gives us a feeling of identity and significance. It’s hard to let go of our cross.
It’s just a story my friend. It’s the story you are choosing to live by. Some day I hope you will come to understand that it doesn’t matter one whit that it’s a true story.
True story: Mother Theresa fed the poor.
True story: Everyone who knew her said she was a tyrant.
Choose which one you’d care to live by.
So you had a few bad experiences, you managed to find some like minded 50 year-olds that had the same experience, and now you have made that story your relationship religion. It is simply the way things are.
And yet, here are men and women commenting here that they had a completely different experience. Their true stories don’t match yours. Certainly my true stories don’t look ANYTHING like yours. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my male friends in their 50s are almost all very happily married in relationships that thrill, challenge, and nourish them… or that my own parents are deeply in love after more than 50 years of marriage.
You want to cling to this idea that “they” turned you into this. Yet the one thing all of them had in common was… you.
I suggest, lovingly, as a friend, that you sit in consideration of the fact that MY “they” (the women that I have encountered in MY life) turned ME into THIS.
I wish you healing, brother.
Shannon
Really enjoyed the video, Alex. You are a pioneer, a wayshower for the New Man, and as a woman I give you my heartfelt thanks.
Alex Allman
Equally heartfelt: You are welcome.
Gigi
Hi Alex.
What about the man who doesn’t want to listen? What about the woman who has tried everything in her power to make the relationship work and to be intimate with her man, but he is the one that distances himself from it? I am a 45-year-old woman and have been married for 17 years – and in a “sexless” one for probably over 10 years of our marriage. Yes – you read that correctly. I was approximately 34 or 35 when he stopped wanting to have sex with me. Isn’t that a when a woman reaches her sexual peak? When I try to talk to him about the way I feel, he says “I don’t have time for the drama” or “I don’t care what anybody thinks or how anybody feels”. How do you think that makes me feel? I am definitely not the one who has backed out of wanting to be intimate with him, he is the one who backed away from me. Believe me, I love sex and being intimate and I definitely miss it!
I know that some men say that women try to change them; however, in this relationship it is the opposite. He has changed me and I kick myself in the ass because I let him do it over time. Throughout the course of our marriage, I have quit my own job to work for him because he wanted me to, I have raised two of his youngest children from another marriage (now the youngest is almost 18), I have missed out on years of family functions because he didn’t want to go and I had to make excuses of why I wasn’t there, etc., etc. I have finally come to the realization that I want out of my marriage and even told him I want a divorce. He acts like those words never came out of my mouth. It’s so strange. Why would a man want to be with a woman who said she wants a divorce and wants to be happy and he turns around and pretends she didn’t even say it? I don’t understand.
I want to love a man who would love me for me and who I am, who wants to be with me intimately, physically and emotionally, not for what he thinks he can make out of me and be someone he wants me to be. I want to be with a man 100%, in all aspects of a relationship and I would like to have that back in return from him. A relationship where we can both help each other be a better version of “ourselves”.
I can honestly tell you that money does not buy happiness because we haven’t done bad in that area. I try to tell him that, but he talks over me and doesn’t listen.
So Alex, any words of advice or wisdom from you to a “woman” that wants what a “man” may want? HELP!!!
Alex Allman
Hey Gigi, I can feel your pain and frustration, and I hope that you find a path that nourishes your heart in the future… maybe starting TODAY.
Anthony Robbins made famous the axiom that “your future does not equal your past.” They may not even be remotely similar. And to paraphrase the late, great Gerry Ballinger: Your past is a painting, your future is a blank canvas.
It is, of course, possible that you have devoted yourself to the wrong man and that divorce is the best option. There may be a wonderful man waiting to sweep a woman like you off your feet… and more importantly, it may be that you need time on your own to figure out who you are as an individual post-marriage.
I cannot, however, recommend that course of action since I simply don’t have the information. Even if you wrote 50 pages here, still, only you can know what is the right path for your heart.
Now, perhaps for your benefit (I don’t have enough facts to speculate), but certainly for the benefit of some other female reader who is following along–
I cannot help but notice that your comment above is filled with wrong-making and criticism of your husband.
Perhaps he deserves every word and he is sociopathically incapable of intimacy.
In my experience these things tend to be more mutual… even when we can’t see it, even when it’s in our blind spot. And you may find yourself attracting the same type of man again if you don’t deeply consider where you may have contributed to this situation.
When a man stops having sex with you and you make him wrong for it, you are not going to get more sex. Shaming and blaming will only make him dig in his heels. Telling him other men have sex with their wives is going to get exactly the answer you got: “I don’t care what anybody thinks or how anybody feels”
It may or may not be too late to save your marriage, and it may indeed by the case that your husband is the villain in this tale, but I would not be doing my job here if I didn’t ask you to at least sit in deep consideration that things might go differently for the woman who seeks compassion and a deep understanding of why her husband has become less sexual with her.
In my experience with couples, it is almost always more complex than one partner believes it to be.
Gigi
Hi Alex.
Thank you so much for your response. I wish there were more men out there like you for women like us; more men that are compassionate and caring about how the woman feels in the relationship and not about what only they want and need. I agree with you 100% that I need time to “find me” again because I have lost myself trying to make him happy and didn’t worry about what it would do to me in the long run, but unfortunately I think I have finally figured that out after 17 years of marriage. And believe me, there is too much to tell and it would take way more than 50 pages.
I am and always have been a very giving woman in my relationships and always worry about what the other person is feeling rather than myself. I know a marriage (or relationship) is give and take and should be 50/50, but it would help (in my relationship) if my husband would give a little too. We can all agree that not every marriage is the same and we all have problems; most of which can be worked out with conversation and compromise on both parts. But what if one of us is the one who always compromises and gives in and the other party stays the same with no compromise? How does that make a relationship? Any insight?
Believe me Alex, I would love to have intimacy in my life and give a man what he wants and needs, but I would like to have in given in return. After all, it does take two to tango, right? Unfortunately, I am the only one who wants to dance around here and feel that I will have to move on to find another partner who wants to not only be with me for who I am, but also would like to dance with me too.
Gigi
Alex Allman
Well Gigi, there are many men out there that feel the same way in reverse: That they give and give and that they are taken for granted. Often the one sort of person finds the other.
Here are my best thoughts:
1) I don’t believe much in compromise and finding a man who is good at compromise might not be that great. Sometimes there is just no other way than to compromise, each giving in a little, but I am a deep believer that there is always a way to “chunk up” in the dialog, look for the higher goal of what you most authentically want, and find a deep, win-win agreement that was no possible at the lower level of thinking.
You may want to go out dancing, and he may want an evening of television at home… and rather than compromising, say on a movie, I think the deep conversation around what you get out of dancing, what he gets out of an evening of television might reveal an entirely new framework for the thing you both really want most of all. Perhaps sex! 🙂
2) You wrote “I know marriage… should be 50/50,” but have you really examined that? Again, I’m not a big believer in the 50/50 thing. In my marriage we are both committed to 100%. It looks like 100/100 most of the time. But when one of us is not emotionally capable of giving 100 (stress, a disagreement, a bad hair day), he other doesn’t keep score and lower accordingly. It’s always 100%, or as close to 100 as I can humanly get it to be.
This may sound like semantics, but it’s not. The 50/50 to make a whole implies some kind of balance. It implies an exchange of value. This inherent bias towards fairness is a massive sabotage button for many relationships. And it’s a lot like compromise.
Forget finding a man who is willing to give as much as you. Find a man who is unafraid to receive 100% of what you can give.
3) Trying to figure out how to make your partner is usually a dead end game. You can’t make another person happy. Some folks are happy, some aren’t. You just choose to love the person, happy or not.
The big move here is to know what makes you happy and DO THAT without making it your partner’s responsibility. In a good relationship your partner will usually choose to do some of those things with you and be happy for you when you do the ones that you don’t share.
Nikki
Alex is really good at pinpointing these kinds of things. I see what men go through and they go through a lot. I have a lot of compassion for men and just love and nurture the men around me. I lift them up. Thank God for masculine energy, the divine masculine. I have come to see how important it is and how much I love it, I need it. We all do!
Nikki
Alex Allman
Yes! Men are awesome!
Laurie-Ann
As a female myself I feel your fustration. I see too many woman emasculate their man and it sickens me. I also get a lot of dirty looks from females when I stick up for their man. Those are the women who give all women a bad name. Please don’t judge that All woman don’t know how to treat a man just learn the red flags before you get invested in them.
Men are Awesome!
Alex Allman
And women are awesome too!!
Jeff
Alex, you have a great way with words… and in this video you manage to use simple language to explain something very complex. YES! men of today are struggling to find their purpose and YES women can feel a man’s lack of purpose even if they don’t know or can put into words what it is they are feeling.
Raymond’s comment echoes this problem and leaves me wondering if men like him equate financial stability with purpose and that somehow we as men have to top today’s successful woman in that area .
As a middle aged man who has had a few failed relationships I can easily relate to “busting my ass to make a relationship work” . The light came on for me when I decided to put that kind of energy into ME , into discovering what I am passionate about.
I won’t go on and on… just wanted to say I was nodding my head in agreement with most of what you had to say here.
And to Raymond, i feel for you man I really do. I hope you find the courage to let go of the negativity you have toward the women that have hurt you.
Alex Allman
Thanks Jeff. I appreciate your wisdom and you can “go on and on” any time you like. Good medicine.
Alex Allman
I just wanna say, I LOVE MY READERS!
Angel
awesome video. thanks for sharing. I will be purchasing the program you are offering. lots of points you made really hit home for me. i am presently in a relationship for over a year and we just started living together i am 54 and he is 59 My bf had a rough year with dealing with deaths of his close friends, and he thinks if he has not much longer to live he better do all that he can to enjoy life. Is it survival’s guilt?? not sure what is going on but sex happens maybe only every few days and most of his time is spent watching porn for hours. came into my office to do some work and he was watching porn, he tried to get out of the site as soon as he could to no avail. he said he just stumbled onto the site. which i knew was a lie as it shows all the sites you go to. He has been very elusive the last 1.5 months. Trying to converse with him is like pulling teeth.
we are going out of town for business which is at least a 5 hour drive. i know i need to address this.. looking for suggestion. thanks Alex
Alex Allman
1) First and foremost, make it SAFE for him to talk about porn, watch porn, or even be difficult to talk to. Make it safe for him to be whoever he really is.
I can assure you, speaking on behalf of all men and women on the Earth, he is an imperfect beast. Anyone who can’t be okay with that can never be okay in relationship.
Love the man he IS just as much as you love the idea of the man you want him to be… the man you know he COULD be. Love them both equally… or, if you must choose, love the man he IS more.
Then, and only then will he feel safe to share what is true sexually for him. Without that acceptance you will be locked out of full expression of his sexuality.
I’d have at least 10 conversations around this, around your acceptance and open curiosity around what he enjoys about porn, what kind of porn he watches, etc., before you have the second conversation…
2) Porn addiction is real and growing at a rate that is simply un-trackable, and it does real harm to relationships. Like any addiction it is incredibly sneaky and powerful and difficult to deal with and the addict is likely to deny the problem. I’m not saying you man has a problem… but I am saying that if you can do #1 flawlessly first, then you have the right and the easy ability to discuss #2
John
Hi, Alex. Great stuff that needs to be shared and explored by both sexes. I was surprised you didn’t say any thing about the mans relationship to his mother the way you did about his father. Since from my own experience and that of my BF, the relationship with our mothers was just as, if not more damaging. Due to narcissistic abuse of the mother and a depressive father. At 31 I’ve seen much of what Richard was saying. Any thoughts?
Alex Allman
Thanks for the contribution John. Can’t say it all in one video! And this video certainly is not tackling anything about narcissistic (or any other type) of abuse. There are plenty more topics for me to cover and when it comes to humans and sex… I don’t expect to run out of material any time soon!
A Lonely Friend
Alex, thank you for your awesome advice. Well said, and point taken. Enjoy your posts.
@Molly – I like the idea of the dating site as well.
@Laurie-Ann – yes, men are awesome!!
Thank you all – good insight in all your comments.
Denise
My marriage of 25 years abruptly ended one evening 24 mths ago, the ensuing months brought me more heartache when I was constantly accused of failing on a personality and intimacy level. Despite extensive medical training, including psychology, I new nothing of “the immature man” which was, and remains, a problem. Two people make a marriage and both change, I am as responsible for the breakdown as is he and am striving to remain friends. I don’t blame men, I love men although I must say having watched Christian Carters video and your own I never truly appreciated how complex “you” are, or are you?. Women are equally complex, we are opposites with the same abiding needs of love, understanding, and acceptance. I am very comfortable with my sexuality and my body which I take very good care of, but one thing gives me pause and that’s despite my comfort with my body and my ability to please a man, the words have left a lingering doubt that I do not want to convey to a new man. My past is not his problem. Have you any mental talks I can have with myself to deal with this silly nagging issue?
Alex Allman
Yes I do Denise…
1) The end of a relationship is not a failure, it’s a completion. I give you permission to stop feeling any shame or sense of failure around it. If my permission isn’t good enough, find someone’s whose permission is. (You should accept mine though, because I’m a famous expert and I’m right).
2) It’s also the wonderful freedom to experience your next relationship, which deserves some excitement and anticipation. You know, you can’t explore Thailand when you’re vacationing in Italy. I’ve been to both places and loved them both well.
You will one day look back at your adventures as a single woman and your relationships, and you’ll think, “thank you, God, that my marriage completed when it did! I would have never had these amazing experiences in my life if it hadn’t!” …I can guarantee it.
3) Surrender all hope of ever “getting it right.” Human’s can’t. You must accept that fact. You must internalize the truth that in this Universe in which we live, uncertainty is the law. And then, knowing that, knowing that all humans face this absolute Truth, make the decision to love yourself completely and utterly even though you will never get it right. (That’s the moment when you’ll suddenly “light up” for all the good men that are looking for a woman worthy of their love).
Sharon
Alex that was wonderful. Thank you. I am on a journey of love to love. I have been with a man for over 5 years now who I just love. I accept him as he comes regardless of family, friends, his past, or what fears we may have. Because i don’t have the notion that I need to change a man we enjoy a very loving, passionate, and wonderful relationship. It is not conventional as others would have it. It is a connection and commitment that makes us happy no matter what others think. Together we are free to be our true selves and to have the most amazing, spontaneous sex every chance we get. He is my love and I am his. I do not see an end to this journey. I believe if love is the expectation and the motive, it will always be the destination.