Relationship Tip: The Only Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need…
Being in a relationship can be the most challenging thing you undertake in this lifetime… it can frustrating, maddening, heart-breaking, and downright confusing…
Or, it can be simple:
Making this work takes big doses of faith and courage… it’s not easy to get started with it… but if you can manage the trick, you’ll discover that relating to your partner could become much more fun and with far fewer challenges.
I get that it is not for everyone, but I also get that the vast majority of folks who complain to me that this would never work in their relationship are just frightened, resentful, and unwilling to put forth the level of faith in love required here.
I’d love to know YOUR thoughts on it.
JB
What if “God in drag” is not at all interested in the “most mind-shattering orgasms of her life” (because she’d rather be in her head and be in control and is already thinking about the next task to be managed – which is likely a labor patient) and will soon be sleeping off a migraine – again. lol ;-).
Point well taken but some people don’t want to feel good/been there done that “when I didn’t know any better”/find an 18 year old if that’s what you want/it’s a waste of time/no, I don’t want to do it again – let’s get up.
The last thing my wife wants is multiple orgasms, other than maybe being chronically ill or bedridden and unable to work. Hah – take that!
Your talk can be boiled down to one word: Namaste’.
Peace, bro’.
JB
Adis
“The last thing my wife wants is multiple orgasms” – humans are wired for pleasure biologiclly impossible not to want pleasure.
So maybe its just you, and she doesnt want orgasms with you?
Look into that.
Alex Allman
Hey Adis, I appreciate you chiming in here, and it’s probably a worthwhile and courageous exploration for JB to look at the possibility that his wife is simply dis-interested sexually in him.
It is common that across years, resentments build up and attraction is lost for a myriad reasons.
However, let’s be clear that it is not biologically impossible to not want pleasure because pleasure is not biology but rather psychology.
I have run into hundreds of cases of people who felt shame, guilt, repulsion, depression, and numbed out dissociated at the thought of sexual contact.
For women who have been sexually abused prior to puberty it is very common that they have deep dissociation or completely numbness of their erogenous zones during sexual stimulation that leave them utterly disinterested with pursuing that avenue of pleasure.
For some folks, even the pleasure of a slice of chocolate cake leaves them feeling shame-ridden because of a deep belief that they don’t deserve pleasure.
Alex Allman
Hey JB, I’ll tell you my friend, this is way to complex an issue with no where near enough information for me to guess what the issue is with your wife, but here’s some universal ideas that might be worth your consideration:
1) The big journey is always in truly understanding/getting your partner and seeing that from their perspective it all makes sense. Figure out why she feels this way, why in her world this is “right”, and maybe you’ll be in a position to figure out how to help her re-discover pleasure in her life.
2) The difference between best friends and lovers is the sex, the touching, the physical intimacy. When your wife says, “find an 18 year old for that,” maybe you should take it at face value. Sometimes the marriage is a deep friendship and life partnership, but sexual pleasure is, by mutual agreement, found elsewhere. It works for some people.
My guess is that there is some deeply buried truth that, once revealed, would help your wife feel deserving, nurtured, and loved through your ability to pour sexual pleasure into her body. But if she is stubborn enough about her needing to be right about this, you might never be able to help her find it.
Lynnet McKenzie
Alex, I deeply appreciate your sharing here. You really GET it, and I love that about you!
I was just listening to a young woman last night tell me that she does anything she can to avoid sex with her husband and intentionally overworks and goes to bed too exhausted for lovemaking.
She loves her husband and wants their marriage to work out. She was sexually abused and terrorized as a young girl and now touch triggers these memories. Also, when she had a child, she could not bear to be a mother and a sexual being at the same time, so the sex stopped after they had a baby– ouch to the relationship!
Hearing her story, I realized I need to get off my ass and share sexual healing with lots of women! I was massively sexually abused from infancy on. It has been a long and wondrous journey for me to become ‘sex positive’, and I now enjoy regular hours of sexual-spiritual ecstasy beyond what most people would believe is humanly possible to experience (though I suspect you get it).
Thank you for continuing to share such beautiful inspiration. I am happy to recommend you to anyone anytime 🙂
Continued Blessings!
Lynnet McKenzie
Alex Allman
Thanks Lynnet, always a pleasure to see you visiting my site and leaving some wisdom. I hadn’t realized that you are a CSA “survivor”. I’ll be sure and connect with you as a resource if I ever create a product in that direction.
Lynnet
Dear JB,
I am sorry for your pain. I hear this story from so many men about their partners. Making love is such a high level of connection, healing and out of this world pleasure that it is my wish for ALL couples to share in oodles of this yumminess!
You and your wife are included in this wish.
Leaving sex aside, loving your partner as the Divine in Drag is ESSENTIAL for a divine level of pleasure and connection. The key is SURRENDER! Surrender to LOVE! Forgive yourself and your beloved. Let go of the story about who you think she is– and who you think you are.
Surrender to Love, my friend, and you will find a whole new world has been waiting for you all along…
Wishing you every blessing,
Lynnet
Bob Lee
Great concept…part of the journey is challenging yourself to advance your consciousness…something you regularly put on our plates. Thanks, Alex!
Leon
Great advice I’ll exercise it
just had a fallout with my girlfriend.
Alex Allman
Good luck Leon! Bringing this to a fallout is an act of great love and masculine power!
Ken
Good advise Alex. The truth is we are all a little piece of God. To see that in your mate is a beautiful thing. However, if the mate see that in herself its never going to work. Narcissism at it finest. Choose wisely, the psychopaths are everywhere. Hard to disern too. I’ve been fooled a couple times by them. Doesn’t take long to recover though once disconnected. Life is good again. But to see Gods hand in EVERYTHING is indeed a beautiful experience… Especially in your mate…
Alex Allman
Hey Ken, I want to make a distinction (that I think you already get, but I want to make sure it’s clear for everyone), that there is a world of difference between narcissism and recognizing God in ourselves.
I’ll tell you that it is very, very difficult to recognize our partner as God. It takes great courage and faith and a big fight with the ego… but the little secret is that it’s only the practice round for the truly giant mountain of recognizing God in ourselves.
In fact, it is our gag-reflex refusal of really KNOWING our own divinity that makes it so dang difficult to really see that our flawed, crazy-making, often-wrong-headed lover is actually God in drag!
Mark
Alex,
I’ve been listening and reading you for over a year now. I’m really appreciative of the work you do.
I am drawn to it. As individuals and couples continue to learn to truly love each other…the whole world
changes. To me, that is how things will change for the better, simply, as we learn to deeply partner.
This was a really touching post. I love what you said. I support it fully.
It’s what I aspire to with the people in my life…and especially with my woman.
Thank you. Hope to meet you some day.
Best,
Mark
Alex Allman
I seem to run into my readers just about everywhere I go, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we do meet. Thanks for paying forward what I’m doing here in your life. I really do have faith that our relationships are crucibles in which we learn to become the kind of better humans that are capable of making positive changes in the world and teaching it to our children for posterity.
Walter
Can I just delete the previous comment, get my ego out the way and say just thanks, Alex for another great thought to remember during the new year.
Alex Allman
lol… deleted my friend… and it wasn’t that bad! Glad you are feeling free and alive… and I’m enjoying a nice glow of respect for you that you had the ability to notice the ego, and make the strong and masculine decision to focus on the good coming your way, and not stay caught in the list of grievances that you have already climbed beyond.
January
Not just your partner, all creation. Thanks, Alex.
S Silver
Hi Alex, just wanted to thank you for your work. This year has been the most challenging and emotional of my life and largely due to your teachings I believe that my Husband and I will see our 19th wedding anniversary rather than divorcing. One thing that I see as a common thread in the comments of those who are frustrated and feel that your good advice just won’t work for them, is that their partner lacks an open mind about life (and sex). Once we start to shut ourselves off to things, stagnation and discontent are not far behind. Just a thought. Also, I wish that you would share a video about the commonality of porn use in society today. It has been a huge obstacle in my relationship and I would like to learn more.
Thanks
Alex Allman
Yes, the porn thing is an unbelievable epidemic, and I believe we are just noticing the tip of the iceberg in the distance and have not yet realized the disaster that is coming for relationships. Actually, I did do some videos about it here: http://www.revolutionarysex.com/don-jon-your-brain-on-porn-is-porn-making-you-bad-in-bed
and here:
http://www.revolutionarysex.com/sex-tips-for-men-masturbation
I’m working on a product for men right now to quit the porn addiction. It is much more difficult than most people imagine because porn is just so enjoyable for men and the immediate consequences are so low. It’s not like heroine or alcohol where missed days of work show up right away and life starts falling apart, or even like over-eating where weight gain might happen in a matter of months… but over time, excessive use of porn re-wires men’s brains making it impossible to function in human sexual relationships.
That said, like any addictive substance, some folks can use it responsibly… but the hidden truth is that there is a vast and growing number of men who are completely out of control in this area.
WO
There is another way to look at this, Alex. I am a Spiritual Atheist and do not look to a vague oblong blur as my superior. Too many people ‘love god’ but cannot love their fellow man. I say, Love Yourself first, then love everyone else as you love yourself. That connection I think works. One must understand and know what love is, before they will ever understand how to love another.
Alex Allman
Thanks WO, I’m so glad that an atheist posted… I was secretly hoping you’d show up.
First, I think you’re doing atheists a disservice by describing those who believe in God as believing in a “vague, oblong blur.” I think that if you are going to disagree with something, you ought to first understand what you’re disagreeing with. And I’m guessing this was your short-hand for dealing with the frustrating fact that there are so many different ideas and definitions of God and you’d like to disagree with ALL of them!
However, for my advice in this video, which I believe equally applies to YOU, I am inviting you to take a deeper examination of the issue with an open mind and curiosity, because you probably haven’t re-examined your atheism in many years, and I’ll bet you are a much more complicated person than you were when you first took that stance.
My personal definition of God is consciousness itself… yours and mine, everyone else’s, and that of the Universe itself. If observe that rudimentary intelligence is involved even in the spin of an electron or the permeability of a cell membrane, and then you observe that an intelligence greater than human is required for building, say, the New York City Skyline (it required the group intelligence of “humanity itself”), then you can see what I’m on about.
And I also believe that this super-consciousness is radically inseparable from Love.
In fact, the majority of folks hold Love to be the nature of God at their deepest truth. That’s why the prayer that most people utter as they die or say goodbye to the dying these days is, “I love you.” (For proof you can listen to the hundreds of recorded calls left by those who were dying in the fires of the Twin Towers on 9/11/2001).
“Love yourself first” is NOT what I talk about in this video because it’s too damn hard. It’s a great bromide, but it’s simply not functional for anyone but the Buddha. We love parts of ourself, but in fact, humans find radical self-acceptance to be life long struggle.
I have found that the one of the most powerful access points for learning self love and self acceptance is figuring out how to radically accept your lover first. It’s easy to forgive our lover for being human and still seeing them as divine. That’s how you learn the trick.
You can choose to the see the Universe as either random or divine. The distinction is unprovable and changes nothing… but if you make the right choice, your world is a much more magical place. Same goes for your lover.
Rob
hey alex,
I saw your video on christian hudsons gfas thing, and your video really struck me. i am a very shy person and have a very hard time coming out of my shell and expressing myself and it seems to me like learning to be genuine about this with women would be the best possible thing for me but talking to people about anything serious is the hardest thing in the world for me. I keep to myself 100% of the time and the only time i ever opened up to a friend within the last year was when we were both drunk and he doesnt even remember it haha. i would be genuine with women but i cant even find one who i think i can be genuine with. well im not quite sure what else to say but id love a some kind of response maybe via email, but either way i really enjoy listening to you speak
-rob
Alex Allman
Hey Rob, I do believe this is going to be the focus of an upcoming program of mine. I get the question too often to ignore it. I think there is an important piece for shy men: That you aren’t broken or wrong and you don’t need to fix yourself. Women LOVE shy men… if those men are comfortable and at ease with themselves as being shy.
It’s the fear and insecurity around thinking that shyness makes you less manly or less attractive – your self-opinion being projected, that creates the problem.
So there, I’ve articulated what you probably already know: the problem.
The solution is something I’m still taking a deep consideration on. Obviously it is entirely internal and entirely a simple decision… but I believe some careful exercises need to be constructed to build to the transformation of self-thinking.
Working on it! There is no reason that you cannot be working on it your self in the interim!