Relationship Killer: Neediness vs The Courage To Be Confident

Relationship tip marriage advice

The big take away:

Be a better partner to your mate (male or female), not by trying to figure out how to get their approval or their attention, but by working on your own self confidence!

  • John

    Dude, I cringed the whole time watching this video. It’s crazy seeing my long past behavior acted out on video. Thanks for the reality.

    • Alex Allman

      Yep, it’s cringe-worthy… and yet for the guy who is actually IN it, it’s completely invisible.

  • lupe

    Good work alex, thanks, relationships are not easy!!

  • Name*

    alex you`re right 95% of the time….but sometimes you seem to act like a mangina…
    seems like in your mind women are always the godess`s and the man is who needs
    correction b/c he`s a immature bungling oaf….
    very many american women expect the world out of their man but have nothing to
    offer except a bad time….in a lot of cases should`nt the abused man tell his(in his mind)
    his forever disappointed wife/GF to fuck off and he move on??
    please tell me if this would be a viable solution….
    repectfully mick martin pittsburgh, pa.

    PS as for myself if a easy enjoyable and amicable relationship is not attainable, i dont want one
    with that woman at all…….i`ll just move on

    • Alex Allman

      “Mangina”? Could that possibly be a play of “man” and “vagina” that is intended to be a put down or pejorative?? If so, then Mick, good lord, your problems are far deeper than anything I talk about in this video.

      That a vagina could possibly be used as something negative in your mind points strongly to a misogyny sourced in the pain of rejection, and the inability to be seen authentically by women. It represents a man’s fear of being real and masculine with a woman because he is afraid of rejection of his truth (an unfounded fear based on the rejection of a fake act of macho).

      But let’s get specifically to your comment: This video is 100% unisex. Just as many women act as the needy partner as men do. In fact, I’d venture a guess that it’s MORE FREQUENTLY the woman who mistakenly thinks she’s being loving to her man, when really she is being needy, and sabotaging the relationship.

      I played it with the man being needy simply because 70% of my readers are men.

      And honestly Mick, and I mean this in the most encouraging and brotherly way that you can imagine (I have actually coached close friends that I love through this kind of difficulty, so believe me, I do not mean this in an insulting way), while it is certainly perfectly okay to leave a woman who is abusive (or for any reason at all, really, your choice of partner is yours alone), no real and valuable relationship is “easy” and “amicable” all of the time.

      Here’s the hard truth:

      Your post lays bare a man who is in pain because he can’t figure out what’s wrong with women, when in reality his pain is sourced in disappointment with himself for having failed to mature into manhood… into the kind of man that can confidently and masculinely handle depth in relationship and the real emotions of his partner without it triggering the insecurities that he never grew out of.

      Any intelligent woman that read your comment would think: “Oh god, please don’t let me ever date this guy.”

      Mick: It’s a long shot, I know, but I am deeply hoping that you’ll read this and — instead of formulating your next attack about why you’re right, and how women really DO act horribly with men — you’ll actually think about this, and realize that everyone else who reads this comment (and probably all of your friends) can see the same thing about your pain and disappointment and insecurity… You are the only one who can’t see what’s really going on for you here.

      If you GET that, it can be the beginning of big changes, and the most profound and satisfying thing you’ve ever done in your life: Stepping into your Manhood.

  • Torqe

    Yes… As simple as ABC…. But couples struggle day in day out with it… Its as simple as you have shown Alex… Guys… When your girl is busy offer help or as Alex has shown…. The rewards will come to you two fold… It’s that simple… Never watch your girl do the housework… Always offer a hand… Joint partnership in the chores… will offer great rewards to your love life…The love and respect your girl will give you will make those chores so much more desirable to do… You can’t go wrong… Try it …. It works!

    • Alex Allman

      Hey Torque, to be clear: There is nothing wrong with offering to help your girl (or your guy) with chores or anything else. And, as you point out, there is a lot RIGHT with it.

      In the context of THIS video, however, sometimes it’s nice to let them do those chores for you… not while taking them for granted, but rather receiving their work for the team with gratitude.

      Too many times (and I’ve done this plenty myself!), we are too quick to offer to help as a course of “needy” behavior, of needing to be seen as helpful– and when that comes from a place of not really believing that we deserve a woman (or man, this stuff works in both directions) who does stuff for us.

      The alternative is to be confident that we DO deserve to lay back and let our partner do things for us sometimes, and then to receive their chore-doing as a way that they get to demonstrate love.

      • Torqe

        Hi Alex….I agree with your video….hope you didn’t misunderstand my comment….yes lovely for the guy to offer a drink while she is hard at her work… a guy positive points…for a natural response of affection when she is done with her work….win win situation for both parties….. As also sharing the household chores does….the lady of the house then focuses on what a great guy she has that chips in to helping out….Hense put him in positive points again…then leads to a response of unlimited affection to follow….every bodies happy ……guys don’t need to buy expensive gifts….just show true support….understanding…..the love & affection is a natural follow on…you can’t go wrong…very simple…it really is back to basics….keep life simple . Just love & respect each other…the rest will follow.

  • Jose

    Wow. It hurts since I’ve definitely done some portion of that behaviour or similar in the past.
    Yet, it is great to be aware that we can change.
    Thanks a lot once again, Alex.

  • Trev

    This video hits the bull’s eye! I can totally see who I used to be when I watch this video…and yes, it makes me cringe! So embarrassing! It’s no wonder that my wife wasn’t attracted to me (at least, not as strongly as I wanted) back then!

    But things are different now. I’ve discovered my confidence and manhood, and I’m content in it. Now I’m just happy to be me; if we spend time together or get wild in bed, great! But it’s also fine if we don’t, because I’m no less valued or secure. And words can’t say how much of a difference this change has made in our relationship! Now, when I leave for work in the morning she’ll ask if I’m free that evening; when I am free, she smiles suggestively and says that she can’t wait to spend time with me. That’s what happened this morning, actually. 🙂

    If I had to succinctly describe the change that took place in me, I think it went something like this: While I had always seen myself as, and wanted to be known as, a “nice” guy and a “great” guy–who is therefore helpful and considerate–I was actually wanting those things for the wrong reasons. I wanted to be known as that so that people would like me and look up to me and appreciate me. Because I needed it. But since I was doing those things for the wrong reasons I came across as inauthentic and people saw through my facade (though I couldn’t at the time). But at some point, my mindset started to change. It’s not like I said, “To hell with them all,” but I did stop obsessing over what people (and especially my wife) thought of me. I said to myself, “I’m tired of bending over backwards so that others can be happy. I choose to love and serve others, but I will no longer care what they think of me.” I began to put my foot down and to firmly and calmly hold my ground when conflict came (whether with my wife or anyone). This was the beginning of me starting to live out of a confident mindset, rather than an insecure one.

    There’s a subtle edge to a confident man: he knows who he is and what he wants, and he doesn’t put up with any crap. The people around him know it, and they respect it. But at the same time, there’s also a calming, encouraging air about him as well: because he is confident and secure, he creates room for other people to be those things too. This context allows true love and respect to bloom.

    Now I’m still a very considerate and helpful and loving person with those around me, but I’m doing it from a different foundation, a different center. And it’s making ALL the difference!

    • Alex Allman

      Nice. Now that, folks, is a man who gets it.

  • Chris

    Alex, you are right…this does happen with the girl acting needy…I admit it…love life improves when I am self-confident and not needy…Thank you for putting it simply and distinctly and showing the better way!

  • john thompson

    I see the importance in this video but want to offer another perspective. What about the beauty of ‘needing’ someone? I think the main reason neediness is unattractive is because it’s not actually owned fully. We do have real needs with each other and when these are owned purely it can be incredible. The key is to get to the pure need/longing because if you’re relying on your partner to fill different needs that you have that aren’t purely about them then you’ll likely get a reaction like in the video.

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