THE SIMPLE TRICK THAT MAKES YOUR RELATIONSHIP INCREDIBLY HAPPY
In today’s blog post I’m going to share a powerful tip for anyone that wants to have a loving, committed relationship, or who wants to make the relationship they’re in way more fun, easy, supportive and passionate.
It’s a really good one.
But I’m going to start with the most basic question about you and your relationship decisions:
Should YOU get into (or stay in) a relationship?
This morning the New York Times reported (again) that people who are married are happier than people who aren’t.
But that’s not news. We’ve been hearing about studies like that for years. The question that was raised in this NEW study was this:
Does being married (or in a long-term committed relationship) make people happier…
OR is it just that people who are already happier are more likely to be in relationships?
A very good question!
In the study reported on by the Times today, the researchers from the National Bureau of Economic Research created a study that controlled for pre-marital happiness, and their conclusion is very clear: Regardless of how happy or unhappy people are before marriage, they are happier after marriage.
So with my apologies to every comedian who ever lived… relationships actually do make people happy.
Now obviously what’s true for “most people” may not be true for you.
I understand that some people truly are happier on their own, and particularly at certain stages of their lives. And, of course, an unhappy, frustrating relationship with someone who makes you miserable every day is not something worth saving– there are indeed plenty of marriages that make people less happy!
[Note: If you’re a man and wish your relationship was more intimate, fun, sexually passionate – or the passion has just faded over time – I have a killer program called Lasting Passion that might be right for you]
One of my highest goals and greatest pleasures in life is simply to give my readers more happiness in their lives. I have always believed that improving their relationships is the “easy button” for achieving that goal.
So here is a simple tip that works like crazy to create a happy relationship with the person you are with–
This tip is a powerful force in making either a man or a woman fall more deeply in love with you…. It supplies a powerful motivation to make them want to commit to you…
And if you are in a committed relationship, it makes that relationship stronger, more fun, more nurturing, and more passionate.
So what is this super-magic bullet of love?
==> Let your partner make you happy.
Be charmed by their charm, seduced by their seduction, smile at their kindness, laugh with their silliness, be willing to play when they are playful, impressed when they are impressive. Allow yourself to be pleased when they are trying to please you.
Don’t make this part of the relationship hard for him/her.
It sounds stupid (because it IS stupid) that we would ever make it hard for someone to make us happy… but we do.
We stubbornly resist allowing our partner to make us happy because…
– It feels vulnerable
– We want them to work harder to PROVE themselves
– We don’t deserve to “just be happy” without a better reason
– We don’t deserve to be happy because the world is hard place
– We fear being disappointed
– We don’t want to be happy right now because I’m in a bad mood so bugger off
– We won’t let them make us make us happy because you’re going to have to do a lot better than THAT to make me happy after all of that other shit you did that pissed me off that I’m not about to forget about!
– And probably a million other reasons that you and your therapist can go to work on…
But the bottom line is, people who are good at receiving happiness and appreciating the smallest of sweet gestures from their partner are very, very easy to love.
It’s FUN to be nice to people who send back enthusiastic, unguarded, and innocent gratitude and happiness.
Don’t over-think this. It’s grade-school simple:
I do something nice for my wife, she smiles and giggles, I feel great and want to do it again.
That’s it. All day long, and every single day.
We are too guarded by far in relationships.
Listen: Guarding against disease by vaccinating, washing hands, minding food safety, and getting enough sleep actually CAN reduce our chances of getting disease.
But guarding against heart-break actually INCREASES our odds of being left broken-hearted.
Living with an open heart is scary. It feels unsafe. But it’s actually safer, it feels better, and contrary to popular belief, it does not make broken hearts hurt more or feel more humiliating.
In fact, it’s the only game in town worth playing.
Living with an open heart is the big-leagues of having a satisfying life, but that’s for another blog post.
Every single one of us has a limit on how much love we believe we deserve… it’s just a question of where that line is, and how hard we’re willing to work to expand that capacity.
Today, just try this…
It’s so easy to do and yields such enormous results:
Allow your lover to make you happy.
**If you want a lot more “ninja hacks” for powerfully and automatically pushing your relationship to become happier, sexier, and more passionate, check out the Lasting Passion & Attraction blueprint
Great startegy as long as you are being yourself!
It sounds good and sounds easy enough but it’s just not. I make every effort to live every day with an open heart – giving and helping wherever, whenever and with whatever I can…but when it comes to the relationship no matter how much I forgive, move on, not allow things to get to me, etc…they still do and those things that get to me just continue to repeat themselves…which has made me numb to everything and then blamed for everything. It just seems I am better suited to be alone as I’m happier then.
Hey Kevin, I know a lot of people are in your boat… in fact, I think Lisa who posted here probably used to feel the way that you do.
For sure some people are happier being single. There are people who prize their privacy and personal freedom far above their relationships. But it doesn’t sound like you are one of them. It sounds like you are a man who would like to be in relationship but haven’t figured out how to make it work in a way that feels good for you.
Now there is a chance that you have made bad choices with women and ended up with selfish lovers who simply didn’t have the emotional maturity to partner with you.
However, from the small window you’ve given me here, it sounds like maybe you are too much of a “people pleaser”, and that you are not allowing for exactly what this blog post is about: Letting HER spoil YOU and rewarding her with your enjoyment, not your need to reciprocate.
Women NEED this from their man. (Men need it from women even more, btw).
I wrote here about letting her make you happy. Your comment is about all the things you tried to do to give and help.
This could be your blind spot Kevin. This could really be the root of your relationship issues that will solve everything for you. Seriously.
The difficulty then is the daily practice of convincing yourself that you deserve it, and then noticing how hard she is trying to make you happy, and how frustrating and ultimately alienating it is when you don’t allow it.
Just try it.
Imaging that sex with your mind like that like this will bring your orgasm but how about her? yours do this better for her like !
I was married 36 years and allowed him to make me happy whenever. It was always wonderful. I have been alone now 4 years, and so miss being with him, or any man. He passed away. I have so much love and lust in my heart, I just need to find another partner to share it with. When I say being alone, I mean exactly that. I have not been with anyone. Where are all the men?? I know there are some more good ones out there.
Great post Alex.
I feel your fierce spirit Betsy. He’ll find you. And there is no greater legacy to your departed husband than your willingness to love again. He would be proud.
I was married for 29years I put her on pedestial and never looked back I have been alone since 2002 I would love to do it again
Hi Jack, I just wanted to say to you that there are many lonely women out there. Looking for a man who could be another partner. Being married for so long, 36 years, 29 years, we have to realize that is gone now, but we are still here. We all need someone, all are looking for someone. Most people don’t want to grow old alone. You will find your special lady, and just like Alex said to me, there is no greater legacy than your willingness to love again. Good luck to you.
As usual you are so right Alex! I grew up believing it was my job to make others happy, not receive from others. It has been difficult for me to learn to receive from my husband. I am happy to say that I am doing much better at “letting go” and allowing myself to feel his love and receive his gifts of happiness for me. Your books and newsletters were the catalyst for my transformation. I can tell you that I am much happier now that I can receive as well as give. Seeing and feeling the look of joy and happiness on my husband’s face when he does something special for me or makes me laugh is priceless.
I wish you could see the look on my face right now 😉
Thank you for that!
I deeply appreciate this discussion 🙂
Recently, I was listening to a woman share for a prolonged period of time. I noticed that when she lit up while looking at me in response to the full attention I was giving her, it gave me the energy to stay focused on her. Without that, my mind wandered.
I’ve made a practice of opening up and showing how much I appreciate attention and affection from my loved ones. As a result, I receive a lot of love and affection. The men in my life literally jump at the chance to serve me and please me (knowing I’m easily pleased by them so they can be successful).
I don’t yet have the ‘one and only’ I truly long for, but I am blessed with lasting love in many forms.
In this cycle of giving love and responsiveness to each other over and over, the challenge is to keep letting it in instead of shutting down in fear. May all our hearts open over and over to the truth of who we are… Love!
Thank you, Alex, for illuminating so many beautiful truths. You are a dear!
Amen! And worth mentioning that Lynnet’s website is called “openingtoecstasy.com” lol… think she gets it?
Simple – yet “Revolutionary”! The word in Spanish for a buzzkill, someone who dampens the fun and enthusiasm of every occasion or get-together, is, appropriately, “aguafiestas” (“water [on the] party” in English). It would suck to be an aguafiestas to a woman’s efforts to make one happy, but I think I have been exactly that :>o Thanks Alex! Mick
Courageous to own it Mick. I’ve been there too. Welcome to the other side.
Hey alex. I would love it if you’d also write that “other blog-post” some day; about how “living with an open heart is the big-leagues of having a satisfying life”. I’m pretty sure it would be an interesting read.
Yep. But the magnum opus on the subject has already been written by David Deida in his book “Blue Truth”. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
The simplest way is usually the easiest way.
Hi Alex, great piece of advice but I agree with Kevin (first comment given). Have been in a lot of relationships and two failed marriages, have used your advice in your article and find that in most cases I did the heavy lifting and barely got much in return and got to the point why bother and became numb. It seems that you really have to become a really badass to get attention or respect.
Hey Tony, thanks for this vulnerability, and please take a look at the reply to Kevin that I just wrote. I think you are, indeed, in the same boat.
I’m amazed at how often men (and women) think they need to do MORE of the heavy lifting. More and more because they are still not seeing their partner invest as heavily as they are.
And often you’re working hard on the area that’s not the problem, because the problem lives in your blind spot.
Also worth taking a look at Gary Chapman’s, “The Five Languages Of Love,” one of my favorite books, which may turn a light on in your head as you realize she thought she was doing the heavy lifting… but you were both trying to give love in ways that didn’t make sense to each other.
I recommend that you become a “love detective,” and figure out all of the ways your partner is trying to make you happy or give you love, and receive it with joy. Focus on that instead of the “heavy lifting” and I think you’ll get a different outcome.
It this “all there is” to a successful relationship?
Of course not!
But it’s a heck of a good start.
This is very true and as you say simple. I know I can be guarded and wary of accepting compliments, etc, so I’ll be happy to remember this and just relax and enjoy. Thanks!
Thanks Alex…beautiful…and so true…I feel a sense of joy, peacefulness and relief reading it. Acknowledging one’s partner, receiving, and being happy…simple when we allow it. I choose words to focus on each year that come to me…this year’s words are simplicity, harmony…and after reading this, receiving…now to find that wonderful man who will make me happy-er…warms my heart!
Alex…..you are a genius! Life is too short to be closed off!! It is hard though. It seems natural to close off. It takes effort every day to recieve….but is well worth the effort.
I’m such a sucker for it Megan, but it always pastes a big, silly smile on my face when my readers call me a genius 🙂
This is a wonderful post. Thank you. When you write about resistance in terms of letting our partner make us feel happiness, this snippet especially rings true. “We won’t let them make us make us happy because you’re going to have to do a lot better than THAT to make me happy after all of that other shit you did that pissed me off that I’m not about to forget about!” When I get stuck here I’m not feeling vindictive. My mind assures me that I’m trying to dissect something in order to get to the bottom of the issue. But I’m going to call bull**** on myself. My amazing boyfriend will want to let something go, he’ll make very kind overtures, and it will take me a bit of time to let it go for the time being. I feel so loved and I’m so happy that I’m determined to learn different skills this time around. After all, as you point out, the alternatives are to be alone or in an unsatisfying relationship.
Thanks for the comment Elle.
The ninja trick here is to understand that when the puppy pees on the rug it has nothing to do with when the puppy is playing with you and loving you. Keep them separate.
Often when the puppy pees on the rug it’s because he doesn’t know better, or because he couldn’t help it, or because he felt uncertain that you’d be home to take him out…
Your man will ALWAYS screw shit up now and again. (And so will you).
Don’t let that get in the way of receiving his love!
This is such simple but beautiful advice, but it WORKS.
A way of celebrating the person you are with, as much as humanly possible.
Nice 1. I am so free minded n hv always belived is d key 2 a happy relationship so I give it all no holding bak. But my current girlfrend is always scared of openin up coz she dosnt wana b heartbroken n somtyms she’s not just in d mood coz she feels offended bout somtyn I did previously.
Hey Alex, this is a niece piece of writing, really great advice.
Great point, Alex. I think the biggest obstacle to receiving is a sense of deservedness. Almost everybody was trained as a child to get praise, love or reward, when we DID something, rather than just BEING… loved just like that. And if a person doesn’t have this sense of deservedness, they will surely sabotage it, increasingly so with deeper intimacy.
And yes, the more pain we can potentially take and be open, the more we are open to love too. And in this way, we can never loose, as we can never lose something that was real, just the illusions. So we win either way, either by growing apart and separating, or growing deeper together.
Right on Bojo.
Every single one of us has a limit on how much love we believe we deserve… it’s just a question of where that line is, and how hard we’re willing to work to expand that capacity.
Beautiful, Alex. Thanks for the great advice here. It’s motivating!
I know exactly what you mean by “..after all that shit you did that I’m not about to forget..”, I’ve been there many times. I carry these games from childhood, some of them even to try to punish the other and it’s not healthy. It’s much better to stay connected and to continue to be more and more vulnerable. That’s where the magic appears.
Thanks a lot!
Hey Jose, check out my comment to Elle.
And nice to hear from you brother.
I can see this is the right approach. The only problem might be recognizing that that is what your partner is attempting to do. For example, if they tell you a joke and you don’t think it’s funny – still laugh. Laugh because they thought it was a good idea to tell you a dud. I guess you have to be imaginative sometimes 🙂
…Or tease them for not being funny and receive it as it was intended… something to make you smile and put you into a more playful mood.
This is soo true and easy Alex…you just have to see it coming and prioritise it when your partner is trying to do something nice for you
Good morning definitely I’m finally letting go and trusting myself to be open again. I mean, to have an open heart. Its been ten years now since I have let a woman into my life and now I realize that it was not my past relationships that made me this way it was me all a long. A close book is not a happy way of living or a way to show love, I was being the shadow of my own existence. I thank you Alex for helping me to get back on the narrow and straight road
Hi Alex. I have been in a relationship with a woman for 7 years, off and on, mostly on. And I don’t know why but I have had no desire to persue other women when we’ve been apart, unlike her. I have told people I confide in and trust of the intricacies of my relationship, usually after we’ve been apart, and without exception they all say what the hell are you doing in a relationship like that? You can do better. In this short communication to you I cannot tell you of all the things, some understandable ,some beyond explanation, as to why I’ve remained commited to her. All I can say at this point is I have given all I could give In every way, thoughts ,actions, emotions, the list goes on.
For her though, even though she would dissagree, I have seen very little in the way of giving or commitment. Yet I persist, yet I seem to love her endlessly, yet I am always trying and hopeing she will reciprocate. I know all the things that I am supposed to do from reading, listening, witnessing, to either make the relationship better or leave it. But there is something there, I can’t quite put my finger on it , somehow we were meant to be together. Something keeps me holding on and trying, while she dosn’t seem to put much effort into it as I do. Such simple things, so easy for her to do, she wont. Things that are the basis of careing and a good relationship, things that even without love would make the other person ( me) happy. I know people can’t be forced to do things they don’t want to do and be happy with that, but all i’ve asked are such simple things, things a child could do, but she won’t. Do you have any suggestions?
You know Rory, you can’t let other people tell you what to do with your heart. If you love her and she’s worth the price, then you pay it.
There are so many possibilities and intricacies here, but off the top of my head I’d say that one thing you could try is to simply accept that she’s polyamorous and perhaps enjoy your own diversions when she’s not around– or even when she is. Get this out in the open so that it’s not something either of you need to sneak around with. Lovers should know each other’s truth.
She may have some emotional damage that keeps her from being committed, or even something congenital like Asperger’s Syndrome, and if you want to remain with her, you might simply have to accept her with her limitations.
OR… it may simply be that she has a normal but much greater need for freedom in the relationship whilst you have a normal but greater need for being connected. Understanding this about each other might also allow you to serve each other much more beautifully. Without understanding this she might feel smothered or you might feel abandoned… but if you make allowances for it, you can each willfully give what the other needs.
And then perhaps maybe your friends are right and you could be much better off, if only you’d allow yourself to face the broken hearted loss that is required for you to get there.
There is no ONE soul mate for any of us. I could get into the spiritual reason for why this is the case, but for now, let me assure you that you have other soul mates out there, and that some of them are going to be far more generous, easier, more delightful, and more fulfilling for you.
But to find them, you’ll have to have the balls to withstand the year or so of pain and second-guessing that will go through if you walk away from this one.
You life is yours my friend.
Wow …. amazing response Alex … sincerely.
Thank you Alex,
In asking Rory’s question, you have answered mine.
This is a wonderful post. Thank you
Alex, how could you apply this piece of advice OUTSIDE of a relationship, especially for those who are single? It seems you could do this with people other than your partner, girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse.
How? It is the same. Simply receive and enjoy your date’s gestures to make you happy. Receive pleasure from them. You may find that it makes them fall in love with you, and that may make you uncomfortable in some situations, and require some skill to navigate.
What I meant was could it be applied outside of romantic relationships?
I believe so. Ben Franklin pointed out that, counter-intuitively, the easiest way to get someone to like you and feel invested in you, is to get them to do something for you… rather than trying to do something for them. Once they do something for you something in their brain makes the connection that it must be that they like you 😉
And how does one exactly do that?
Great article, Alex ~ thank you! I concur with the research linking longevity with relationship because of my own (positive) life experience. This exquisitely unique kind of relationship is a PhD in happiness and Soul growth IF each person is conscious and open to an inevitably deep and satisfying progression forward…through the ease and the challenge. It is a gift to find such a harmony/union with another. Thank you for the magical tip! and Happy New Year to you!
Alex, you’re a boss. Thanks for the insightful article. A few of those statements you listed above made me cringe when I saw myself thinking them in the past.
Thank you for the insight Alex!
Thanks for this post. I like it.
The problem with reporting extremely simple two-step research is that it covers up a wide range of variation. So, the mean moves 1$; how statistically significant it that? Further, journalists survive by getting bylines – so they have to simplify to get the editor’s and then the reader’s attention in 10 seconds flat. But how much do journalists know about research methodology? Besides, who ever pays attention to economists for advice about relationships? I always go to my plumber when I want brain surgery done???
So, rather than report such utterly useless garbage, start off directly with your real premise, and build from there. If you have true longitudinal research based on following hundreds of couples – not asking them to retrospectively reconstruct their relationships, then I’ll start paying attention. Until then, your stuff is merely interesting, neither Earth shattering nor game changing. Would that it could be so.
At its simplest, all you are giving us is B F Skinner’s consequent reward stuff – no cognitive processing involved.
Hey Brian, the “useless garbage” comment aside, I hope you’ll understand that I’m not trying to interest you or say something Earth shattering– I’m trying to help you have better relationships.
And I’ve got something just for you, that will really help you in your life, and make a huge difference in your happiness with women if you just try it out:
A problem that a lot of science types have is that while they will happily acknowledge that there is far more (one might argue infinitely more) that we can not explain by science than that meager tip of knowledge that we can explain scientifically… they still persist and dismissing and disavowing anything that doesn’t neatly fit into the simplistic standards of their methodologies or has not been accurately measured and described in some scientific way.
In this way, you close yourself off from the majority of experience.
Rainbows were beautiful before we could explain them, and they are still beautiful now in spite of our explanations.
So here’s what you’re missing:
When a man takes time to write a blog comment like this, he is not trying to improve the conversation on the blog, he is trying to signal: “Look at me! I’m smart!”
You’ll see smart folks trying to do this at parties too (I used to be one of them), and the evolutionary reason that they do it is to attract attention from the opposite sex and appear mate-worthy. After that, the failed strategy simply becomes habit.
It is an exact analog to some guy on steroids who shows up the party in an extra tight shirt. It comes across as obvious and most folks roll their eyes at it.
Brian, my friend, there is a giant opportunity for you here to notice that being the smarty-pants comment maker in social environments (like blogs and parties) is not getting you want you want. And the point of this post is to give you a new strategy:
Try letting others delight you instead of trying to impress them.
Just TRY it.
I think you’ll find it both Earth shattering and game changing, and I’m certain that if you try this (even though I offer you no scientific evidence for it’s mean efficacy compared with results from both control and placebo), you will thank me forever.
Wow, Alex…your mature response to Brian’s comments show that yes, you truly do “get it”, and for his sake, I hope that Brian will be truly open and receptive to your reply and takes it to heart, for his benefit! I’ve found your posts and comments to be fully in line with your “passion”. Keep up the awesome work!
Alex has covered a great point in his response to your post Brian, but there is a little more that can be added – (ok, quite a lot now I see the size of my response!).
In the first place, it is worth pointing out that there are plenty of journalists who have a background in scientific research and rigour and many who would be upset at your implication that they do not. Dr. Ben Goldacre is a great example – he works for The Guardian newspaper in the UK as a journalist but is a qualified Medical Doctor and a Wellcome research fellow in epidemiology at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. (His TED talk is worth a look as it points out flaws in scientific methodology as it is currently practised.) Of course he is one of thousands of journalists worldwide who understand proper scientific methodology.
However, there are more ways to gain expertise in an area than following a scientific approach. A composer for film music has learnt through practise, learning from others, and trial and error how to generate an emotional response from the audience, but they are not considered scientists and would not consider their arrival at their score for a film as scientific. Does this mean their underpinning of the drama we’re watching doesn’t exist because it hasn’t been scientifically proven to work? Post scientific analysis may suggest that it works because of this or that use of chord progressions, melodic drive, or such and such a combination of instruments, but the composer is not a scientist and does not approach or arrive at the final score that way.
A sports coach may draw upon other’s work, tried and tested methods for training which have no basis in science, or even create a way to train which delivers the winning results while not themselves being scientists and not following the rigour of scientific method to get their results; they are simply basing their direction on experience and knowledge of the skill required to get results. Does this approach negate the achievements of their athletes or the training methods employed when they win? That is not to say that science does not enter into the world of sport, of course it does, but many coaches do not have a background in science; they have a deep love, commitment, and knowledge of a sport which they have made an important part of their life and a want to pass those same connections to the next generation of competitor.
Certainly it is true that going to your plumber for brain surgery is not a good idea, but that is to also making a distinction not present in this blog; a plumber is not trained to provide brain surgery (at least in most cases – who knows if there is a retired brain surgeon out there who is now making a living as a plumber?) but, if your plumber has received brain surgery and is now living following the operation then they may well be able to offer their experience of what happened, and that in itself may be invaluable to you if you are about to receive the same or similar. Of course, it may not be too, but that is how we all have to experience life – deciding what information is useful to us and what is not, but why write off something because scientific methodology appears to be lacking; does not life experience come into the equation too?
That is not to write off the importance of the scientific data and research out there. All scientific data is important as long as it is understood in the correct context and with the comprehension of how it was attained. The bulk of papers published in journals help push forward scientific study throughout the world, but there are erroneous articles that slip through too. The presentation of poorly accrued data regarding the MMR vaccines (measles, mumps, and rubella) which occurred following a publication in The Lancet (a foremost medical journal) back in 1998, and presented by a medical doctor no less (now struck off following this publication), is a good example of when it goes dangerously wrong, and is still resulting in people being scared to inoculate their children against these potentially deadly diseases despite the far more dangerous choice of failing to do so.
Alex presents himself as a source of guidance and knowledge in an area which he has devoted himself to for many years. He does not present himself as a scientist, at least that’s not how I have understood his position. The knowledge he has gained comes through experience, research, and personal interactions with people and no doubt includes scientifically supported sources somewhere in the mix. (To be honest, only he can truly confirm that aspect, but certainly that is my understanding of his position as gleaned from what I have read about him.) Is his experience diminished or enhanced because it is based upon such a mix of sources? Can following it to see if it works change your life? Surely the way to find out is to try it and see – after all, do you have more to lose or more to gain by trying it? Will trying it diminish your life or enhance it?
In the words of a wonderful writer, and observer of the human condition, Douglas Adams:
“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”
Hi Paul, as a general case I prefer folks to argue with me rather than other commenters unless it furthers an understanding of the topic at hand (which is not journalistic integrity in this case).
It’s extremely important to me that we don’t alienate Brian and that this remains a place that is safe for criticizing me and my ideas. I walked a bit of an edge their myself as an object lesson not only for Brian but to the hundreds of others that did not have the courage (or the inclination) to post, but felt the same way that he did, and who also sabotage their own lives by being “too smart” to listen to good advice.
I disallowed a bunch of other comments like this one, and for their sake I’ll mention that what made yours important to the conversation for me was the brilliant quote from Douglas Adams all the way at the end. Mr. Adams provides a powerful insight there. One that is easy to see in others and damnably hard to see in ourselves.
Comments noted and appreciated. I’ll remember that for the next time. Thanks Alex.
Yes,great response! Other blogs would just have deleted or ignored it!
Alex – Great blog! I like what you said and it makes a lot of sense to me and I have been married for over 20 years. I purchased your revolutionary sex pdf and I loved it. Sometimes, people get the wrong idea about relationships because their are so many mixed messages from people like yourself surrounding building great relationships and other (not you) so called “Pick Up Artists” who come up with either crap to brainwash women to just “F” them! I think that what you put out is awesome stuff for real men and I hope you continue on the same path and stay away from the toxic “PUA”‘s.
This article struck a chord on me – the advise “Let your partner make you happy” is simple yet so true, and made me rethink how I have been managing relationships not just with partners, but even with friends around me.
I have always felt the need to reciprocate back when someone does something for me, or end up feeling bad having to take something from someone without reciprocating. As I reflect and look deeper, it all stems from a fear of being vulnerable and having someone make me happy. I have had a number of heartbreaks in the past and this fear has probably built up with time.
It’s been a number of years since I was in a relationship, and now look forth to finding a worthy partner to be with, spoil me and make me feel loved. So as part of the new year resolution, I’ll take your advise and just be open to have people around me make me happy.
Thank you for creating this post and for your awesome insight!
Hey MG, I was exactly the same about 10 years ago. Friends and mentors reflected to me that I was trying to hard to give and not receiving, and that it was actually breaking social rapport with them. It was life-changing to willfully make the switch.
Alex, thank you for your delightful insight! (see, I’m trying! 😉
Very meta, Jimbo! Great minds think alike. See if you can find my reply to Megan in this discussion… 😉
Alex, it’s posts like these that keep me coming back for more. I have a hard time opening up and really identified with all this. Thank you for telling the badass story of vulnerability. I really appreciate it.
I absolutely love this post – so simple, and so true! Without that joy and delight in our lover’s/partner’s eyes, we wither… It is the very air we breathe in a relationship, and so soulfully satisfying.
It’s so crucial and simple that I’ve never heard anyone, anywhere write anything about it.
I bow down, Alex, and I’M delighted and charmed and moved by YOU and the beautiful work that you’re doing. Hugs!
Receiving that with great pleasure and gratitude, Carol. Thank you.
Come to think of it Alex, this sounds a lot like positive mirrioring, but with a More intense focus, don’t you think? I’m going to make it my #1 priority in my relationship, and maybe my wife will stop calling me “Eore.”
You give such good data… I am very thankful for you to share all this with me, with us all 🙂
Slowly, people like you will manage to pull the world out the hole it’s in.
So True! Thanks for the important reminder of what brings true joy and fulfillment to a relationship. Deep down I think we all know these principles but often hold back from giving and receiving love unconditionally. We need to practice being be good at both. Keep up the good work.
Profound reading Alex, (I’ve just come back to read the comments). Blessed to have mentors like you in my life. Being a young man I found it very hard to find real men as mentors in my life. I found them online and through programs like yours.
Thank you my friend, For dedicating the time it takes to mature and become a great leader.
Ditto Alex, only I’m old enough to be Scott’s Ma!
I have a son his age and I’m a therapist but had never come across this kind of work before. It’s pure relationship genius. My darling husband and I came from unhappy marriages and we’ve found our hacks along the way, and this was one of them but it took thirty years to recognise it’s necessity.
Really people, this works.
Alex, I would love to access your training, have you published?
Insightfully entertaining and enlightening as always. Preciate it brothahhhh.
So I have a question, There ‘s this girl that I work with, she’s the sweetest, nicest and by far more beautiful that any I have seen in a while, (women that is) and I have been slowly trying to win her attention, and attraction, and I sometimes feel like I’m slowly getting there.. in fact I was about to ask her out this weekend, when the unforeseeable happened.
I noticed another male co-worker has been trying hard to get into her pants.. Yes, you heard me right, this guy is your typical player.. I saw him kiss another girl the week before Christmas, but haven’t said anything to anyone about it.. anyway, Also, he’s worked with her longer than I and they know each other better.. so I feel I don’t have a prayer.. I’m trying hard to keep cool, and not let it effect me.. even though I know this guy is nothing but trouble and that she deserves better, I know he doesn’t care about her heart. So anyone out there have any advice on what I should do? I’m concerned for her because I do care a great deal about her, and I see her as a potential relationship partner, I just can’t stand the player’s and how they cut in and steal the girl of my dreams out from under me like that.. UGHHH.. so irritating, anyway back to the question.. can anyone give me GOOD advice???Thanks..
Sorry Alex, late to the discussion here.
You say “I do something nice for my wife, she smiles and giggles, I feel great and want to do it again.”
What happens when rather than smiling and giggling, she scowls and grunts. And no matter what you do, which “Love Language” you try to address you get a scowl and a grunt. Every single time. How long do you carry on doing nice things that are at best ignored, at worst treated with disdain?
That person doesn’t have a “therapist” (essentially nobody in the UK has a therapist), so what do you do?
Hey Mitch, sorry for the even later reply…
Obviously it’s very, very complicated. Maybe you give up. Maybe they aren’t worthy of your love and they are just bringing you down, making your life miserable and unhappy, and you might find that regardless of financial strain and logistical hell… that the happy and fulfilling life you can have with someone else is worth it. You certainly DON’T NEED TO accept being treated like shit.
But before you do that, you might want to consider having a deep and important conversation. Consider inviting her to participate as lovingly, as delicately, and as honestly as you can. Consider throwing all blame out the window in service to authentic curiosity about why she is so angry. It could be chemical, it could be irrational… or it could be based on something real that she’s been afraid to tell you, or a misunderstanding, or who knows what?
For all I know she hates you and feels trapped by you, and resents you so much that she acts this way. Or she feels like she doesn’t deserve you and is depressed, and doesn’t know how to express her humiliation around that so she acts out in anger.
It take real guts to throw away the list of things you resent about her and all blame, and to really make the loving effort to just understand her as a human.