Why Women Are So Angry With Men… #YesAllWomen
#YesAllWomen caused a big blog-o-storm and got plenty of media interest, but it certainly wasn’t anything new… and fear around sexual violence or misogyny is far from the only complaint that women have about men.
Women constantly complain about men.
Although many women are in wonderful relationships with wonderful men, and although many women LOVE men and are filled with hopes and dreams for meeting a wonderful man… All women have a deep-down, smoldering rage against the hairier gender.
Yes, women can love men, and be disgusted with the male gender at the same time.
If you watch a scene in any movie or television broadcast where 2 or more women are sitting around a table, unless the subject is an imminent zombie attack or asteroid strike, they are complaining about men.
Because everyone who watches that scene, “gets it.” It resonates. It feels true. We relate to the characters.
Women constantly complain about men.
And who can blame them? The human condition for straight women is to be naturally attracted to a gender that is not only capable of harming them physically, but is also well noted for seeking sexual variety and dramatic bouts of insecurity which means men also frequently hurt them emotionally.
Worse, the very things that women are attracted to in men — confidence, power, assertiveness, humor, competitiveness, sexual passion — are also the qualities that are likely to make a man un-trustable in many circumstances.
So women complain about those qualities and label men neanderthal, player, or douche-bag, and become insecure or angry when they see their man exhibiting those characteristics.
Men who are “nice” and would “never hurt a fly” often win a woman’s heart, but not her attraction, which can lead women to become ever more frustrated.
So women complain that their man lacks sexual passion, that he doesn’t excite her.
For both men and women, this is a no-win scenario.
Worse, because society sets women up to seek Prince-Charmings (my wife prefers Prince Eric from “The Little Mermaid”), they have unrealistic notions about what a good man is supposed to look like. They set standards that are not only unattainable, but probably wouldn’t make them happy in a real human anyway.
Relating to flesh-and-blood, inconsistent humans that are not always in control of their emotions or thoughts is not anything like relating to Prince Charming.
Men, being human, are very complicated creatures (though women also tend to complain that they are simple).
We come wired with great potential for loyalty, nobility, sacrifice, compassion, nurturing, heroism, and love, and we deeply yearn to find a home for those feelings, a mate that we can give ourselves to completely…
And we also come wired with aggression, insecurity, fear of being made into fools, and an unrelenting and unfocused sex drive.
And the complication is that those two opposing forces are LINKED to one another in our masculinity.
When a woman fears, feels insecurity or jealousy, or mistrust’s her man’s sexuality, she begins to actively look for justifications of her fear and punishes her man for his masculinity, which in turn makes men too insecure and angry to give themselves fully to a woman in the way they yearn to.
It’s my observation that neither men nor women in our society have a realistic ideal for what masculinity ought to look like in a intimate relationship, and until they do, men will continue to disappoint women simply by being men.
The possibility for women:
My friend Annie Lalla, one of the very few true genius thought leaders in the science and art of relationships, says that anger is a “veneer emotion” that is covering some other emotion below that is simply too difficult to deal with. In this case, it seems like most of the anger is covering fear, un-safety, and disappointment.
There are women who overcome their own fears and insecurities enough to genuinely love men through their human faults, who embrace what is male in their partner, both the pleasant and not-so-pleasant, and allow their men the full freedom of self expression.
For those women, the reward is a man who has not been robbed of his capacity for passion, loyalty, and selfless love. There are no guarantees with humans… but at least the possibility exists.
The possibility for men:
To stand undiminished in the onslaught of his woman’s (quite reasonable) fears with compassion in place of defensiveness. At the bottom of her disappointment, buried beneath her fears, lives her infinite capacity for surrender and love.
For those men the reward is a woman who is capable of profound surrender and perfect acceptance. There are no guarantees with humans… but the possibility for true love exists here.